Checkmate

“Did you know a monkey can crush a baby’s skull with one fist?” Lem grabbed the bong with devil horns out and made his most metal face.

Mike shrugged and moved his rook, “So? It’s a baby. That’s not impressive. A man could do that, doesn’t even have to be that strong of a man.”

“Yeah,” Dale agreed. “It’d be impressive if it was a man’s skull.” He moved his Bishop to clear the way for some masterplan, “Better watch out Mike, I’m coming for you.”

“Yeah, right. You and what army?”

“All I need is one Knight.” Dale’s Knight took out Mike’s Pawn.

“You mean this Knight?” Mike replaced Dale’s Knight with his own Queen.

Lem shook his head pensively, “A man’s skull seems unrealistic. A woman though, that makes sense.”

“Well, certainly more impressive than baby.”

“Or even child,” Dale offered before wincing at the loss of his rook. “I’m coming for vengeance you bastard.”

Mike rolled his eyes, “It’s arrogance that got you into this mess.” He took another pawn, “Lem, if you’re thinking about getting a monkey don’t.”

Lem had to chuckle, “You know me so well. Why not?”

“The real question is, why do you want a monkey? Are you trying to kill babies? Or women?” Dale took out Mike’s rook, “Check.”

“Yeah, why are you trying to kill women Lem?” Mike asked as his queen stuck yet again, ending the threat to his King’s life and reestablishing dominance.

“Or babies.” Dale reminded, trying to salvage the wreckage of his kingdom by squeezing his pieces into a corner.

Lem filled the room with smoke, “What’s wrong with getting a monkey Mike?”

“Besides the fact that they kill babies?”

“Setting that aside for the moment.”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because they fling their feces and smoke cigarettes. Fucking assholes, even worse than a pet person. Give me the bong. Dale, it’s your turn. I moved my King.”

“Oh right, right.” Dale moved a Pawn absentmindedly. “Do monkeys really smoke?”

“Only if you give them cigarettes.” Lem pointed out.

“Oh and you wouldn’t?” Mike asked this with a raised eyebrow, not even bothering to look away from the board.

Lem seemed to stop and really think about this for a moment, “No, I guess I probably would.”

“So you shouldn’t get one.” Mike exhaled a cloud of smoke in Lem’s face and moved his queen so it snuggled in the depths of Dale’s castle, surrounded by enemies yet completely safe. “Checkmate Motherfucker.”