“Knock, knock, knock, anybody home?” Dick thumped Johnny's front door with a thick stick. “Open up carrot-top!”
Johnny’s mop popped out and Dick’s stick whapped him on the head like a wack-a-mole.
“Point!” Neil jumped up and smacked the orange roof.
“Dude,” Johnny stepped out of the house awestruck. “How did you jump that high?”
Neil lifted his translucent green tennis shoes, their base was almost a foot tall. Combined with long socks, capris and an obscure band shirt, they completed Neil’s look--one part jive and two parts class clown. “Air-spring enhancements.”
“Fancydancy.” Dick observed.
“Oh yeah.” Neil nodded. “Newfangled as fuck.”
“The things they do with technology these days.” Johnny scratched his head like a monkey in a people zoo. “So, Dick, bringing the fanny pack back?” He motioned to the plaid pink pack at his buddy’s waist, a perfect contrast to his otherwise dark and gritty swag.
Dick grinned. “Too big for a pocket and too small for a backpack? Perfect for a fanny pack.” He motioned the boys along. They followed him off the lawn and into the road, walking down Mill Street towards the industrial district and into a smothering smog.
“You guys wanna try some samples my uncle got at Wou-Chang’s?” Dick reached in his fanny and pulled out three travel sized bottles. They were labeled X, Y, and Z. He tossed them to his comrades and popped the lid off his own, downing the substance in a single easy swig.
Neil threw his bottle back. “Why do Asians always run the gladiator battles?”
“Because SociJuwlkers would have a fucking hay-day if White people did it.” Johnny choked on the burning liquid and struggled not to cough it up, “I didn’t know they handed out free samples at Wou-Chang’s.”
“Oh yeah!” Dick pumped enthusiastic fists in the air, X coursing through him. “Come for the samples, stay for the guts.”
“That’s how they getcha’.” Neil agreed, kicking a picture of a large butt plastered on the brick wall running beside them. “I hate it when graffiti crosses the line into porn. It’s just plain nasty.”
Johnny shrugged off his friend’s cynicism, “C'mon dude, it’s not like she’s got a finger up her ass or anything.”
Dick leaned in nose to ass and studied the picture, almost lost on the wall of graffiti that covered the city. He posed for a moment, running thoughtful fingers over a nonexistent beard. “It does look like it’s juicing a little bit.”
“No way.” Johnny rolled his eyes.
Neil scoffed, “Like you would know. Virgin Barry talking over here.”
Johnny touched his heart and stumbled back dramatically from the blow. He was the last virgin in the world, at least in their world, and Neil just loved rubbing his innocence in. “Where’s the sand in your vagina coming from anyways Neil? I thought you were dating Kandi.”
“No, she fell into that whole AI movement. So beyond me.”
Johnny’s eyebrows shot up. “Like, with the glasses and everything?”
“Oh yeah, she’s basically a full blow bot at this point. Social feed out her eye balls, her whole life just lost to the screens. Haven’t seen her face offline in ages.”
“Ugh.” Dick shuddered in repulsion, “I fucking hate those VR freaks. Letting tech control their minds. They just live in the clouds and fill up the web with meaningless chatter. Birds clogging the airway.”
“Well I’m glad she’s finally over anyways.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Neil shot Johnny a defensive scowl.
“Dude, she was way below you. A basic bitch down to her rando core.”
“Below me?” Neil shook his head, “It’s that attitude that makes everyone think you're such a prick.” No denying Kandi had been stupid, but Johnny’s elitism really rubbed Neil the wrong way.
“Well maybe this will make me a little more popular.” Johnny reached into his curls, behind his ear, and pulled out a fat J.
“Fuck yeah!” Neil ran past, tension forgotten, and snatched the doobie out of his friend’s grasp before Johnny could even think of lighting up. He pulled out his laser and took a long drag.
“Hey let me see that,” Neil passed Dick the joint. “Actually, I was talking about your laser,” Neil flicked him the bic. Dick fumbled it in his hands. The outside was a polished wood varnish. When he tipped the top open two blue lasers crisscrossed inside. The electricity gave off a tiny shrieking noise, pinching the silence. He threw it back to Neil. “Wood on the outside and lasers beneath the lid. Reminds me of fake trees hiding net-sensors, People will go nuts over the illusion of natural.”
Johnny took a long drag and blew a smoke ring around a homeless kid with a needle sticking out of his arm. The threesome turned down Rockefeller Ave, officially marking their entrance to the Industrial District. The street seemed to stretch on for miles. A heavy swirling fog swallowed the end. Johnny rolled his shoulders from one side of the street to the next and watched Dick flip a nickel into the sun; the reflecting light burned holes in his eyes. It fell back down onto Dick’s hand and Johnny wondered if it burned.
Neil stared at his feet. It looked like he was walking, but really his feet were falling one after the other. He pictured them breaking the pavement with every-step, sinking in and getting swallowed up by the sidewalk. He stepped over a condom wrapper and considered checking to see if it was used, but what would be the point?
“Hey baby!” A vixen with long legs and tits that popped out of a tight leather slip waved to the boys. She leaned against the wall of Moxxxie’s and sent them an air kiss. “Wanna come in boys? Buy two get one free!” She winked and giggled into petite hands.
Dick sauntered over to her and plucked one of her black curls, watching it bounce back into place. She batted fake eyelashes up at him. Johnny and Neil stood back as Dick leaned down and devoured the girl. When he was through, he had to break free of her iron grasp. “Sorry sweetie, we’re a bit too young for your kind of fun.” He tipped his cap and strolled back to his boys. Classic Dick, the boys shook their heads, not sure if they should be impressed or disgusted. Probably a bit of both.
“So, what’s the consensus?” Johnny asked. “Tranny? Cyborg? Or Tranny cyborg?” He lifted an eyebrow.
Neil laughed, “Talk about a wet dream machine! Electrify your night! Prosthetic enhancements sold separately.” He flashed his hands for pizzazz.
Dick smirked and motioned across the street at a grimy convenience store, “I need something to wash the stank out of my mouth.”
“Sweet!” Neil jumped halfway across the street, “I needed some rubber to chew on anyways.”
“What are you gonna bite a chunk off someone’s tire in the parking lot?” Johnny laughed heartily to himself and carefully looked both ways before following his reckless buddies across the road.
The store was small and dirty, lit up by flickering fluorescent lights. The boys burst noisily through the door, startling the cashier who instinctively groped for his weapon under the counter and then decided to keep his hand there until the degenerates had left.
Dick made a beeline for the spam and popped open a can, demolishing the contents with his bare hands.
Johnny held back a gag at the potent odor, “Might as well pound a can of cat food. Fucking animal.”
Neil threw a packet of noodles in the air and caught it with his nose, “Hey!” He jabbed the noodles at Johnny. “There is nothing more human than Spam. That boy is exercising his right to dine as a goddamn American.”
Johnny’s hands went up in mock defense. “Who am I to step on a red-blooded American? Too bad freedom’s dead.”
“Sheit, you’re just a pessimist. Get’cho head up here in the clouds where it belongs boy!” Neil jerked his chin up and raised his arms like a preacher.
“Oahoho.” Johnny gave his best stoner squint and grinned, “I’m in the clouds all right.”
Dick put his Spam back on the shelf, can and fingers both licked clean. He ambled over to the drink section and his buddies followed. The coolerators were stocked with an assortment of energy boosting supplements, chocolate-breast-milk, disinfected and purged waters, and viscid juices. Dick sighed and his shoulders drooped, “Why did they have to stop selling space ooze outside dispensaries?”
“’Cuz punks like you kept stealing it.” Johnny considered a drink a short moment before deciding they were all far too expensive.
“He does make an important point though.” Neil bounced up and squeezed his way between the duo, “We should definitely get some ooze.”
“Oh yeah?” Johnny challenged him, “You and whose ID?”
“Hmm,” Neil contemplated loudly and pocketed a pack of gum as they walked out the store. “I could call Lauren?”
“You mean your lover?” Dick teased, leading them out into the fading day.
“I thought his mother was nailing her?”
Neil shrugged off the wild accusations with a shy smile and pulled out his phone. He wandered out of ear range and Dick leaned against the building wall. Johnny sank down beside him under a large poster of a proud alien with bushy eyebrows and bulging eyes, pointing up defiantly at the words ‘Rise Up’.
Johnny motioned up at the poster above him, “Did you hear about Kaine’s most recent stunt?”
Dick sighed, not ready for one of Johnny’s now regular political tirades. “What did the fucking nut-job do now?”
“He took over the AI and told the web to unplug and rise up.”
“Pfft. Is that all?” Dick scoffed, “That’s not even his best campaign slogan. I’dda been more original. Really wow the masses.”
“Yeah it was a little weak.” Johnny admitted. “I think he was like, going to have more and then they cut his connection. ‘Cuz they’re bastards.”
Dick looked disgusted. “I can’t believe you support that asshole.”
“People just don’t like him ‘cuz he calls us out on our bullshit. But he’s better than our current “humanitarian” leaders capitalizing on culture for voter appeal, running the world to poverty stricken hell. This city is filthier than the President’s toilet.” He looked to the street filled with bodies, glass, and the rampant smell of piss and shit. “Kaine is just trying to point out this isn’t what a world is supposed to look like.”
Dick waved off Johnny’s argument, annoyed. “Kaine’s capitalizing on fear and stupidity. Everyone knows that. My three-year-old sister knows that.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be taking political advice from a toddler.” Johnny couldn’t help but color his voice with a condescending tone.
Dick ignored the comment. “There are plenty of worlds worse off than Earth. Just look at Ta’marui, their whole existence is basically a giant fucking nuclear waste dump. At least we have a Garden District.”
“Oh, yeah we have wealth all right, too bad it all belongs to the two percent spending it all off planet. The galactic confederation is fucking us over and just using planets like Ta’marui to distract us from our own struggle.”
“Carrot-top you don’t know shit about struggle. Why do you care so much about politics nowadays anyways?”
“Dude.” Johnny flattened his hand, as if leveling the space between Dick and himself, “Politics are basically the modern sitcoms. The capitol is like the most expensive zoo on Earth. Plus caring is like, part of being a good citizen. And its my welfare in question.”
“Is Johnny blabbing about politics again?” Neil walked up to the boys and turned to his friend, “Dude you need to lay off Kaine TV and TownSquare. Shit is scrubbing yo’ brain dog.”
“Both hilarious, and the only places on the web free speech hasn’t been crushed.”
“What’d Lauren say?” Dick interrupted, decidedly over the conversation.
Neil shook his head, “Busy.”
“Doing what?” Dick threw up his arms. “She doesn’t even work!”
“Probably on her own drug hunt.”
“Who cares.” Neil shrugged, “I need my ooze!” He scratched his arms frantically and licked his lips.
“We’ll just go to the nearest dispensary and find a benevolent citizen to buy it for us!” Dick said this with the regal confidence of a King.
Johnny groaned, his shoulders drastically slumping and his palms instantly sweating from worry. “Man, can we just not? I hate asking bums for favors.”
“Tisk, tisk, cheer up Johnny-Boy,” Neil pat his friend on the back. “Maybe this one will throw in a free blow-job.”
“Yeah,” Dick added. “Blow some of that fucking sand out of your vagina maybe.”
“C’mon guys,” Johnny pleaded the useless side of reason, “last time that vet almost fucking killed us. A vet dude.”
“Yeah,” Neil offered a patronizing nod. “He was probably a Marine.”
“Oh please,” Dick waved away his friend’s concern. “That guy wasn’t a vet, he was just some tweaker vet wanna-be. All these tweakers wanna be vets ‘cuz vets get to be all wacked out on the street and people pity them. Tweakers on the street just get flack for being bottom-feeders.”
Johnny laughed bitterly. “As if society cared enough to notice. Everyone’s too busy joining the AI, finding God, praising their social justice overlords, virtual shopping, shooting up and clocking out.” He kicked a rock near a sleeping bum.
His friends shook their heads patronizingly, both annoyed with Johnny’s repetitive pessimism. “It’s a sad world…but we’re still gonna find some space ooze!” They hooted and hollered, running past Johnny towards the two beautiful factories looming ahead.
“Fuck,” Johnny ran after his friends, a begrudging grin spreading across his face.
“Took you long enough,” Neil shot a leg out to trip his friend but Johnny jumped over it, arms flailing.
“Did you guys hear about the-”
“Monkey who killed a guy on international television?” Neil finished for Johnny.
“No-”
“Dude!” Dick’s eyes bulged, “That was fucking insane! Did you see the video? The ape just tears the guy to pieces. Straight up nasty.”
“I bet audiences ate that up.” Johnny commented.
Dick rolled his eyes, “Don’t even pretend like seeing a guy get ripped to shreds doesn’t tickle your fancy in the slightest.”
“I’m not a masochist like you two fucknubs.” Johnny protested. “Well, maybe I am, but still, you won’t find me cheering at a gladiator battle in some guy’s basement”
“Funny, you always seemed like the bloodthirsty type to me,” Neil marveled in mock astonishment. “I just think it’s crazy they caught that shit on live news.”
“One second you think you’re working on a fluff piece in the local zoo. The next some guy is getting his head torn off by a monkey.” Johnny shook his head.
“Fluff piece, more like snuff piece! That shit is straight gore-porn. Still though,” Neil cocked his head. “You can’t deny Earth’s got character.”
“Well certainly. No denying our character. That’s why Kaine’s so great. He just fits the American character so well,” Johnny rubbed his hands together like a Disney Villain.
“Yeah Earth’s ‘aight, but I want to see what else the Universe has to offer,” Dick looked up at the sky, obscured by a thick layer of pearlescent radiation in the atmosphere.
“I believe it. Out of everyone we know, you.” Johnny pointed two fingers at Dick. “You’ll get off planet for sure.”
“Yeah,” Neil clapped Johnny on the back, “and Johhny here is gonna rule the world after you leave.”
Johnny shook his head. “No way, that sounds way too hard. I’ll stick with playing guitar.”
“Nah.” Neil assured, “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
“Maybe we’ll travel the galaxy too Neil. We could start a start a rock band.”
“Call ourselves the Moonwalkers.”
Dick shook his head, “No way that hasn’t been taken already.”
“Too bad traveling is so damned expensive.” Johnny shook his head, dissatisfied with the order of his world.
“Speaking of expensive, who’s got ooze cash?” Dick rubbed his fingers together and slowed to a stop in front of a rusty dispensary.
They pooled their reserves and approach a nearby ruffian. Dick took the lead since he was the biggest and scruffiest looking of the gang, so naturally thug types took to him best. “Hello good sir! Would you mind lending us a hand? We’ll toss you an oozer.”
“Oh yeah.” He guffawed, “And I suppose all I have to do is buy you a pack?”
“Easy peasy.” Neil couldn’t help but get cheeky, it was his ultimate weakness.
The big man eyes zeroed in on Neil’s new watch, and he gave the now nervous boy a greedy look before snatching the money from Dick’s hands, growling at Johnny and walking into the dispensary. Dick called after him, “The cheap shit!”
The boys kicked the gravel, waiting for their payout. Johnny pulled out another joint and passed it around. In classic worry-wart fashion, he stared at the dispensary door, watching for the man to return, but slowly his mind started to wander to the building itself. It was fashioned out of metal bricks. He wondered if it was the fancy kind that could contort by remote control. He imagined pressing a button and watching the building thin out and grow twenty stories. Synthesized brick restructuring itself.
Neil started out impatiently checking his watch every minute or so, but by his third hit he was lost in the hands. Marveling at how much faster the seconds ticked by then the minutes, he pictured time like a 3D box with each face representing a new unit. As the box filled every unit was measured-
“Fuck!” Dick interrupted his friend’s inner escapades. “It’s been fifteen minutes. That fucker is gone.”
“How?” Neil reared his head back in shock. “Is there a back door?”
Johnny’s face sunk helplessly into his hands, “We got screwed.” He drew out the word into a hopeless infinity.
“Screwed? More like dropped the soap in a fucking prison shower straight up raped!”
Dick was wild, “Where’s that laser? I’m gonna burn his fucking eyes out. I swear.”
Johnny and Neil rolled their eyes in unison. “Man, that guy would kick your ass.”
“He probably had a gun.”
“Yeah, he’d straight up pop a cap in yo’ ass!” Neil pointed two fingers at Dick’s head and turned them sideways for a kill-shot.
Dick was on fire. “We have to find the fucker. The scum stole our fucking cash!”
Neil shook his head. “No way dude. Bad juju.”
Dick didn’t even bother to try convincing Johnny, a pacifist in small numbers. Perhaps if he was talking a systematic slaughter carrot-top would have been more obliged.
“Let’s just go kick it somewhere,” Johnny suggested. “My rooftop perhaps?”
“Why, does your rooftop have our money?” Steam was practically shooting out Dick’s ears.
“No, but my dad’s at work, and he’s always too out of it to notice when we help ourselves to his Fire.”
Neil shot Johnny a double hand snap-to-point. “Is your sister home?”
“Ugk,” Johnny stuck out his tongue. “Dude you’re gross. My sister is boring, and ugly. Like someone took a really average girl and then gave her face grease injections.”
“Nah,” Neil hid a snicker behind his smile. “She’s a plain-jane just waiting to blossom.”
“She’s like 34!”
“So, what? That’s only like…” Neil counted his fingers for a brief moment before giving up, “How much older?”
Johnny sighed, “18 years.”
“See, that’s hardly anything!”
“My mom also thinks she’s possibly retarded.”
“Sure,” Neil had to concede there. “But is she home?”
Johnny rolled his eyes and gave up.
Dick pulled out a bitter cigarette, not quitting today.
The gang trampled back down the street, their banter echoing off empty storefronts and laughter bouncing down foreboding alleyways. The setting sun cast an orange glow over their backs as they roamed out into the night.
